Why You are Resisting Change and How to Turn it Around by Ileana Bumbulici
Today's topic is change. And resistance to change. How we (I mean by that, our minds) can trick us into believing that "we have arrived", that we already KNOW the answers and that we are THERE. Which literally screams “NO” to anything that might come even remotely closer to improving oneself.
You won’t believe the pain and struggle one has to overcome not to mention the amount of time we lose in between plainly just by suffering. What I loved most about Steven Pressfield's "The War of Art" is the simple and yet profound truth that we can actually learn how to navigate our lives by resistance. Meaning that whatever it is that we're mostly resisting to right now (be it eating a healthier diet, taking up exercise, refraining from gossiping, stop offering unsolicited advice, change your job, upgrade your friends circle, etc) this IS exactly the thing we mostly need to do at that particular point in time in order for us to continue to grow.
How many times have you been in a situation where this nagging feeling that something is not quite right shows up and we know for sure that it's not the first time we’ve been there. Maybe it happened before in another context, maybe with some other people, maybe in your previous job. There is a common thread to it. You can't really put your finger on what exactly is not right but you feel it so vividly in your body. In your chest. It feels heavy and tight at the same time. Whether it’s frustration or maybe the feeling that "something is missing" or "it doesn’t feel right the way things are now" these same types of situations will continue to surface in our lives in various ways and different forms until we learn to sit with them & dive head-in instead of running the other way.
I will give you a quick example: you are at work. You have a colleague that has been mean to you. And it’s not their first time. You let “this one go”. You feel hurt but you choose to ignore it. Then your girlfriend is running late every time you meet. So late that at times you might be there waiting for 30 - 45 minutes until she finally shows up. You let this one go too. Maybe you have a good old friend (you know, that kind of friend you grew up with) and most of the times they will ask to borrow money last minute for an "unexpected emergency situation" only to fail at giving your money back when they promised to do so.
Now that we've put it all this into writing it's so much easier to follow the common thread. It's a no-brainer someone here's got a boundary issue! And boundaries are so important when it comes to our own sense of well-being. Maybe you've been told in the past that having boundaries or "saying no" is selfish. While the opposite couldn't be more true. Boundaries are the utmost act of self-love we can give each other and they provide us a tool for growth at the same time.
Let’s run the same scenario one more time this time with boundaries "switched on". Engage! Enter mean colleague: you could choose this time to openly acknowledge what they've just said to you and you might go something like "hey, I heard what you've just said, that was totally mean and from now I'm not going to put up with this anymore". Then carry on with your day. Enter late-running-girlfriend. "Honey, next time we're meeting I'm OK to wait maximum 15 minutes. Then I'll consider you're not coming & I'll be on my way. So if you really want us to meet at the time & place you chose please arrive in max 15 mins else I'm gone". Bam! That one was not even so difficult, was it?!
Enter money-borrowing-old-friend. "Dude, this is the last time I'm giving you money. I don't feel comfortable doing this and from now I have decided to stop doing the things that make me feel like bad (which is the part where I ask you for my money back & you genuinely say you've forgotten about it then you try to convince me that you've already paid me back and this where I start feeling like the “bad cop” and honestly I have had it). Still friends, only this is the last time I am borrowing you money. If you don't pay it back 2 weeks from now I no longer need it back. Okay?!"
Now that you've started creating some boundaries you'll soon start experiencing life in a totally different way. Such as people you work with will start treating you better, they will even start looking at you with respect and admiration, perhaps your girlfriend will be "just" 15 minutes late or maybe you'll hook up with another person which is more punctual 🙂 or your old friend will actually acknowledge their own behavior and they'll start changing it once they realize that this doesn't serve them too.
I am not saying you need to do all this at once just try and defuse that resistance one step at a time, one day at a time, one situation at a time.
So maybe next time when you get this nagging feeling that "something's just not right" and "I soooooo don't want to do this" instead of taking your phone out to start scrolling or pop a new browser window open just stay where you are and ask yourself "what is it that I really need to be doing at this very moment? what is the one thing/ one action I am resisting to the most?". Then get head-on to it. That easy. When that is completed ask again. And carry on one resistance act at a time. And remember, ”if you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit” (Banksy). 😛
I promise you'll be so surprised by what's going to happen next.
Now I am curious to find out where in your life are you facing the most resistance? In what particular area?! And what is 1 thing that you feel compelled to do and yet you're NOT doing it? (you are reading this instead!).
Drop me a line in the comments below & if you liked this and you think your friends might enjoy it too and find it useful please forward this to them!
Yours is kicking resistance in the butt,